Navigating Family Conflict During the Holidays

The holidays often carry the promise of warmth, reconnection, and joy—but for many, they also bring heightened stress, resurfaced grievances, and relational tension. 

Why are the holidays so frequently fraught? 

Expectation vs. Reality

The cultural ideal of “perfect family holidays” sets up expectations that may not match the emotional reality. When expectations aren’t met, disappointment may turn into anger, sadness, or even depression (Kaźmierczak et al, 2023). 

Regression to Familiar Family Roles 

Murray Bowen, founder of family systems theory and early pioneer of family therapy, maintains it is the reciprocal functioning of all the members of the family which contributes to the emotional reactivity within a person as well as the whole family system (Bowen, 1978; Haefner, 2014). Holiday gatherings often bring together family members after long stretches, and automatic patterns and family roles from childhood may resurface: sibling rivalry, parent–child dissatisfaction, estrangements, or unresolved tensions and traumas. 

Triggering Topics

Politics, finances, lifestyle choices, identity differences, and family history—these sensitive topics often come up during the holidays and can contribute to an increase in family conflict and personal distress. Research confirms that triggering factors arouse the central nervous system, leading to psychological, emotional, or behavioral reactions and possibly psychological symptoms such as anxiety and depression (Riachi, Holma, & Laitila, 2022). 

Simple Exhaustion and Overindulgence

The flurry of travel, hosting, shopping, and social demands can leave people depleted and less able to regulate emotions (Lewczuk et al., 2022). Drinking too much, for example, may disinhibit feelings that one might otherwise have not shared or would have shared in a more measured way (Duke et al., 2011). Studies have even found that excessive alcohol use can lead to impairments in empathy (Kumar et al. 2022)

Strategies That Can Make the Holidays Less Stressful and More Enjoyable: 

 Awareness & Self-Observation

• Notice the familiar family dynamics as early warning signs: “When we assemble, I become the peacemaker.”
  

• Recognize your emotional triggers (e.g., criticism from a sibling, uninvited advice from a parent).
  

• Use mindfulness or self-reflection: observe your physical cues (e.g., heart racing, tight jaw) as early warning sign

Boundary Setting & Self-Protection

• Clarify ahead of time what you will and won’t tolerate: “I will excuse myself if a conversation becomes personal and hurtful.”
  

• Choose ahead whether you will stay the full visit or are planning an abbreviated visit.
  

• Prioritise self-care: restful sleep, reasonable alcohol use, and honoring your emotional capacity.
  

Communication Skills & De-escalation

• State observations without blame, state needs, make requests. Stick with "I" statements and avoid "You" statements, especially overgeneralizations like, "You always..."
  

• Use empathy: actively listen to what the other person is feeling or needing before responding. 
  

• Choose “under-reaction” rather than escalating: mentally stepping back (“I’m an observer in this family drama”) can help you maintain perspective.

Rituals and Repair

• When possible, create new traditions or rituals that shift the family narrative away from old conflicts. 
  

• If conflict happens, plan for repair: a short apology, acknowledgement of hurt, and a commitment to something different.

Consider Professional Help:

• If holiday gatherings consistently trigger anxiety, depression, or relapse into unhelpful patterns.
  

• If a family relationship is severely estranged or abusive and you’re unsure whether reunion is safe.
  

• If you find yourself re-experiencing trauma (emotional, physical, relational) when you attend gatherings.
  

• If you feel stuck in the same conflict cycles each year and want to change the dynamic.
  

At Uptown Downtown Psychotherapy, we can help you take a hard look at your family system and its problematic patterns. Through individual and/or family therapy, our therapists will support you in the development of new emotional responses and ways of relating that will preserve your psychological well being so that you navigate  the holidays and family gatherings with more resilience and less regret.